Biblical Oneness in Marriage: Level Seven - Create Shared Meaning

​In this final subchapter, we’ll review the biblical concepts of oneness in marriage as we create shared meaning in marriage.

Level Seven: Biblical Oneness in Marriage – Create Shared Meaning
“[Creating shared meaning] interfaces with the meaning of life and what’s most important in our relationships and how this fits into our larger beliefs system about the ultimate meaning of life and why we are here on this planet.”  Penner, p. 67

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Biblical Oneness in Marriage
“At some level the message of the Bible is about creating shared meaning between God and human kind and between people in all relationships including in our communities, with neighbors, among families and within our marriages.”  Penner, p. 68
 
When we consider what the Bible teaches about marriage, our first declaration in Genesis is that couples should develop a oneness – they are to become one flesh.  Moreover, Yeshua expanded this concept to become one with Him and the Father. Indeed, our destination as couples as believers is to develop a oneness with the Father and the Son so that we come to know them and can receive eternal life.
 
Scriptures:  Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5,6; Ephesians 5:31; John 17:21-23; John 17:3
 
 
Creating Shared Meaning
“Everyone is a philosopher trying to make some sense out of this brief journey through life. This level of the Sound Relationship House is about creating shared meaning in the relationship. This is what you tell yourself about your relationship, your internal thoughts, metaphors and stories. This interfaces with the question of the meaning of life and what’s most important in our relationships and how this fits into our larger beliefs system about the ultimate meaning of life and why we are here on this planet. Spiritual values, beliefs, and commitments are the significant part of creating meaning.”  Penner, p. 67
 
“We used to have a yuppie marriage," says Helen. "By that I mean it was very superficial. We got along okay and really loved each other, but I didn't feel that connected to Kevin. It was like we were roommates who made love." Helen, who calls herself a "devout feminist," had always prided herself on her independence. At first she thought it was great that she and Kevin had their own lives--their own careers, interests, and friends. But the longer they were married, and especially after they had children, the more she felt something was lacking. She didn't want to give up her strong sense of individual identity, but she wanted more from her marriage. After attending our workshop, she realized what it was: She wanted to feel more like she and Kevin were a family.
“If your marriage adheres to my first six principles, there's a good chance that your relationship is stable and happy. But if you find yourself asking, "Is that all there is?" your situation may be similar to Helen and Kevin's. What may be missing is a deeper sense of shared meaning. Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together--a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, and that lead you to understand who you are as a family.
“Usually when we think of culture, we think in terms of large ethnic groups or even countries where particular customs and cuisine prevail. But a culture can also be created by just two people who have agreed to share their lives. In essence, each couple and each family create its own micro culture. And like other cultures these small units have their customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths--the stories the couple tell themselves (whether true, false, or embellished) that explain their sense of what their marriage is like, what it means to be part of their group.
“Paula and Doug viewed themselves as the "runts" of their respective families. Both were considered the least intelligent, attractive, or likely to succeed of their siblings. But as it turned out, all of their brothers and sisters ended up unmarried or divorced, while Paula and Doug formed a happy, stable marriage, held steady jobs, and raised great kids in a nice home. Part of their marriage's culture, the story they tell themselves about themselves, is what a great team they make, how feisty they are, how they thumbed their noses at all the nay sayers and succeeded against the odds.”  Gottman, pp. 260,261
 
“But it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict. The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be. You certainly can't force yourselves to have the same deeply held views. But some coming together on these issues is likely to occur naturally if you are open to each other's perspectives. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning.”  Gottman, p. 262
 
 
The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning
“In my work with couples, I’ve come to identify four critical mainstays of shared meaning. When couples build these together, they enrich their relationship and family life.”  Gottman, p.263

Pillar One: Rituals of Connection
Pillar Two: Support for Each Other’s Roles
Pillar Three: Shared Goals
Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols

 
Exercises
Staring on page 263, read and complete the exercises on the Four Pillars of Shared Meaning and the Magic Six Hours in the Afterword.