Friendship: Level Three – Turn Towards Instead of Away

​In this subchapter, we’ll cover the third principle or level of becoming friends in marriage by turning toward each other and not away.

​Friendship
“The foundation of a strong relationship is friendship. The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House describe different aspects of friendship.” -  Penner, p. 13 

​Friend Defined
A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
 
“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”  - Gottman, p.21
 
 
Level Three: Turn Towards Instead of Away
“The third level is Turn Towards Instead of Away in everyday moments. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of a relationship. A motto is, “Small Things Often,” which cumulatively make a big difference. When one partner makes a bid for connection the other partner has the opportunity to turn toward, turn away or turn against them. A bid is a gesture – verbal or nonverbal – for some sort of positive connection: conversation, humor, affection, or support. These very small everyday moments in a relationship are opportunities – opportunities for Turning Towards one another, opportunities to make deposites in the Emotional Bank Account. Turning Away is not paying attention to the other’s bid for connection. It results in a lost opportunity to make a connection and, over time, leaves one lonely and feeling isolated. Turning Against is even worse. It’s snapping back at the other when he or she made a positive bid to connect and it results in making a withdrawal from the relational bank account.” Penner, p. 23
 
Scriptures: Lev. 19:18; Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:31; Romans 12:10; Thess. 2:8
 
“If the Love Lab’s footage were ever aired in a movie theaters, no one would be winning any Oscars. Our archives are filled with endlessly dull scenes in which, for example, the husband looks out the picture window and says, "Wow, look at that boat," and the wife peers over her magazine and says, "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" and the husband grunts.
 
You might think I'd consider viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary, my favorite Love Lab tapes are the sort that any competent Hollywood film editor would readily delete. That’s because I find deep drama in the little moments. Will they read or listen to the news together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat lunch? I watch filled with suspense because I know: couples who engage in lots of such interaction tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting– they are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way. I rarely see small moments of connection in the tapes of couples who later divorce or report their marriage has permanently soured. More often the wife doesn't even look up from her magazine--and if she does, her husband doesn't acknowledge what she says.
 
Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner askes “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.
 
Our research confirms the central role that bids play in a relationship. In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. It’s telling that most of the arguments between couples in both groups were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for connection. There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’ future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.”  Gottman, pp. 87,88
 
Two Obstacles to Turning Toward
“In my work with couples, I’ve noticed that two situations in particular tend to interfere with partners turning toward each other and building up their sense of trust.
1.“Missing” a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.
2. Being distracted by the wired world.” 
​Gottman, pp.91,92  
 
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Exercises
Beginning on page 90 of Gottman’s Seven Principles are the exercises to help couples to turn towards each other. 
                Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?
                Exercise I: The Emotional Bank Account
                Exercise II: The Stress-Reducing Conversation
                Exercise III: Talking It Out