Friendship: Level Two - Share Fondness and Admiration

​In this subchapter, we’ll cover the second principle or level of becoming friends in marriage through shared fondness and admiration.

​Friendship
“The foundation of a strong relationship is friendship. The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House describe different aspects of friendship.” -  Penner, p. 13 

Friend Defined
A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
 
“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”  - Gottman, p.21
 
 
Level Two: Fondness and Admiration
“Gottman states, “happily married couples don’t just know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many ways. They use their love maps to express not only their understanding of each other but their fondness and admiration as well.” p.66  This level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. Admiration for another person is one of the very first steps in forming a relationship. Couples get together because of an attraction. The initial admiration can decrease over time with the strains and stresses of life and friction from conflict. Fondness and admiration can be rekindled in a relationship that is burning out.”  Penner, p.17     
 
Fondness Defined
Fondness is the affection or liking for someone.
Synonyms: love, warmth, tenderness, kindness, care, endearment
 
Admiration Defined
Admiration is the respect and warm approval of someone.
Synonyms: commendation, acclaim, approval, appreciation, praise
 
“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.”  Gottman, p. 69

Scriptures: Numbers 6:24-26; Samuel 20:17; Proverbs 3:27; Proverbs 16:24; Eccl. 4:9-12; Song of Solomon 4:1-15; Song of Solomon 7:10-12; John 13:34; John 15:12; Romans 12:10; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Ephesians 5:25; Ephesians 5:33; Phil. 1:3-11; Phil. 4:4; Phil. 4:8; Col. 3:19; Rev. 2:4
 
 
A Negative Example Turns Positive
“Remember Dr. Rory, the husband whose love map was the size of a postage stamp? Who didn't even know the name of the family dog? For years his wife Lisa put up with his workaholism. But a turning point in their relationship occurred one year on Christmas Day, when Rory was, of course, working. Lisa decided to pack a Christmas picnic and, kids in tow, surprise her husband at the hospital.
 
As they ate together in the waiting room, Rory turned on Lisa, his face like an angry mask. He told her he resented being surprised with a picnic. "Why did you do this? It is really embarrassing. Just then, a resident called and as Rory answered his phone, his face softened and his voice became helpful, warm, and friendly. When he hung up, he turned back to Lisa, his face again full of anger. Something snapped inside Lisa. Clearly her husband was capable of kindness--but not toward her. She packed up the picnic and took the kids home.
 
Soon afterward she began going out in the evenings without him. After a while Rory asked her for a divorce. But in a last-ditch effort to work out their differences, they decided to try marital counseling. At first they got nowhere. When Lisa tried to be conciliatory toward Rory during their first session with a marital therapist, he was unable to respond in kind to her repair attempts.
 
But their marriage's hidden hope was discovered when the couple agreed to be taped in my lab for a segment of a TV news show. The interviewer asked Rory and Lisa about their early years together. As Rory began to recall their first date, his face lit up. Here's a little of what they recalled:
 
Rory: I think she was very nervous, and I had some background about why she was nervous, some cultural things that she was trying to live with. And because of this I knew this was going to take a long, long time. So I wasn't nervous at all. I figured this was stage one of a five-year marathon. . . .
Lisa: You mean you had a five-year plan on our first date?
Rory: Maybe that's exaggerating, but I knew it would take more than one lunch.
Lisa: Wow.
 
Rory and Lisa actually held hands while they discussed this. Lisa was beaming--he had never before recounted his campaign to win her heart. This little vignette may not sound very dramatic (in fact, the TV show edited Rory and Lisa down to a snippet of air time), but to a trained observer there was much in this couple's interaction that offered hope for their marriage. Rory and Lisa's fond memories of their early days were evidence that underneath their mutual antagonism there were still glimmerings of what I call a fondness and admiration system. This means that they each retained some fundamental sense that the other was worthy of being respected and even liked.” Gottman,  pp.67,68
 
 
Exercises
Beginning on page 72 of Gottman’s Seven Principles are the exercises to create fondness and admiration.
                Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire
                Fanning the Flames
                                Exercise I: “I APPRECIATE….”
                                Exercise II:  The History and Philosophy of Your Relationship
                                Exercise III: Cherishing Your Partner
                                Exercise IV: A Seven-Week Course in Fondness and Admiration