Knowing Thyself – Part 3

​In this subchapter, we’ll consider that knowing how and what we think determines our successes and failures in life. We saw in a previous chapter that thoughts precede actions, but the quality of those actions is determined by how well we have thought through our actions.

​Thinking and the Law
Through an act of God’s grace, Yehovah gave man the Law. Man did not have to think through various scenarios to create a free and enduring society under His rule. Essentially, God told man what to think. Moreover, Israel was commanded to constantly discuss the Law – Deu 6:4-9 that would help Israel become Zion, His Covenant People.
 
Beyond God telling Israel what to think, He also told them how to think about each other.
 
“ … thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord.”  Lev. 19:18
 
In other words, when we love someone, we place as much importance on them as we place on ourselves.
 

Functional and Dysfunctional Thinking
Though the Law gives us the big ideas; we are expected to work some of the details on our own. We get a lot of these details from our parents/caregiver. The details that we learn from our parents can determine the extent of the quality of our lives. We can learn thinking and behaviors from them that are functional that bring success or that are dysfunctional that bring us marginal results or failures.
 
“The Lord is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.”  Number 14:18
 
 
Conscious and Subconscious
Dysfunctional thinking can be either conscious or thinking that we have an awareness of or subconscious that we are not aware of.
 
Dysfunctional thinking with an awareness can be changed and modified through reflective thinking, education, and inspiration from the Holy Spirit.
 
Whereas, dysfunctional thinking with no awareness is usually associated with some kind of traumatic experience and can include addictions.
 
 
Healthy Bonding and Attachment
Aside from providing children with the basic physical requirements of life – clothes, food, and shelter, parents/caregiver must supply a safe environment that allows for children to emotional bond and attach. Proper and healthy attachment as children provides that basis for bonding and attachment as adults.
 
As a child, we should have felt safe to –

1. Monitor and maintain emotional and physical closeness with a parent/caregiver.
2. Reach out to the parent/caregiver when you were unsure, upset, or feeling down.
3. Miss the parent/caregiver when you were apart.
4. Count on the parent/caregiver to be there for you when you go out into the world and explore.

See Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, which is recommended by my daughter.
 
 
The Subconscious and Dysfunctional Thinking
Some of our dysfunctional thinking and behavior stems from locked away memories as a result of trauma, which may require professional counseling. My experience of healing from trauma is that you will have to grieve over the trauma before you can move forward. The following is my sequence of healing from trauma.
 
Basic Self Awareness
In order to start healing from trauma, I needed some basic self-awareness. Religion is supposed to answer these basic questions of who we are, which are set out here in previous chapters in this volume.
 
Grieving
The next thing that occurred was to recall what my life was like as a child, internalize it and grieve over it.
 
Being Vulnerable
Next, I focused on being vulnerable. Trusting others with me.
 
Attachment
Next, as you engage in relationships with others, you form attachments in various degrees. I struggled with people’s inconsistent behaviors towards me. Here I realized that I was a social person and I would have to not take other people’s inconsistent behavior personally.
 
Victim Mentality
Next, I had to get beyond my victim mentality and not allow people to disrespect me. I had people at work grabbing and handling my “religious strings” - tzitzot. This occurred with two contracted security personnel and a manager. Another concern is when people “chat you up” to get you to reveal things about yourself – it’s manipulation and disingenuous. Especially, when being vulnerable because you are trying to trust and this disingenuousness is a violation of trust.
 
Being “Triggered” By Others
A trigger is when someone does or says something that sends you into a defensive mode relating to dysfunctional thinking. I have realized that emotionally strong people don’t get triggered. They don’t let other people’s behavior excessively affect you.  
​
Addictions
Next, I realized that addictions are efforts to make one feel better because of anxiety or depression. But these resolve once we overcome these type of dysfunctions.

Being Vulnerable
After this initial processing, I experienced subsequent experiences of being vulnerable and trusting until I reached a point of substantially reduced anxiety. 


Next Subchapter
We'll begin looking at the seven principles that make marriage work.