Managing Conflict: Level Five - Solve Your Solvable Problems, Part 1

​In this subchapter, we’ll see how to handle negativity in marital conflicts – the first of these is criticism.

Manage Conflict ​
The term “manage” conflict is used rather than “resolve” conflict because relationship conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. For example, it helps us learn how to better love and understand our partners, deal with change, and renew courtship over time. We try to manage but not eliminate conflict.”  Penner, p. 31 

Scriptures: Proverbs 20:3; Romans 12:18 

“Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring if to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device. Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you'll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you're having.” Gottman, p.137 ​

Handling Negativity During Conflicts
“Research showed that when couples discussed an area of disagreement, there was a significant difference between couples who stayed together and couples who later divorced in their ratio of positivity to negativity during their conflict discussion. Couples who were in stable, happy relationships had a ratio of positive to negative interactions of 5:1 (positivity was expressed five times more than negativity) when discussing an area of disagreement. For couples who later divorced, when they talked about and area of disagreement, their ratio of positive to negative was roughly even, with their ration being slightly more negative (0.8 to 1.0 positive to negative).”  Penner, p.38
 
“Our study didn’t really find that men should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. But we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.
 
“To arrive at these findings, we looked intently at what happened when these newlyweds discussed an area of conflict and also when they talked about the history of their romance. When we analyzed the data, we were struck by a significant gender difference. Although the wives would sometimes express anger or other negative emotions toward their husbands, she rarely responded to him by increasing the negativity. Usually she either tried to tone it down or matched it. So if a husband said, "You're not listening to me!" the wife would usually say something like "Sorry, I'm listening now" (a repair that ratches down the negativity) or "I'm finding it hard to listen to you!" which matched her husband's anger but didn't go beyond it.
 
“But 65 percent of the men did not take either of these approaches. Instead, their response escalated their wives' negativity. They did this in a very specific way: by trotting out one of the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling). If the wife of one of these men said, "You're not listening to me!" the husband would either ignore her (stonewall), become defensive ("Yes, I am!"), criticize ("I don't listen because what you say never makes any sense"), or express contempt ("Why waste my time?"). Using one of the four horsemen to escalate a conflict is a telltale sign that a man is resisting his wife's influence.” 
 
“Rather than acknowledging his wife’s feelings, this kind of husband is using the four horseman to drown her out, to obliterate her point of view. One way or another, this approach leads to instability in the marriage. Even if the husband doesn’t react this way very often, there’s still an 81 percent chance that he’s damaging the relationship.
 
“Although it is always important for both husband and wife to try to keep the four horsemen from taking over in times of conflict, it is especially important that men be aware of the danger to their marriage when they escalate the negativity this way. For some reason, when a wife uses the four horsemen in the same manner, the marriage does not usually become more unstable.
 
“Whatever the reason for the gender disparity, the data indicates that husbands are far more likely than their wives to use the four horseman to escalate a marital disagreement. And when they do, they are also more likely to put their marriage at risk. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid intensifying conflicts this way, the bottom line is that husbands need to be particularly vigilant about accepting their wives’ influence.” Gottman, pp.116-118

​Scriptures: Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 13:3; Galatians 5:22,23; Colossians 4:6; James 3:3-6
 
 
Criticism
“Criticism, in the way it is used here, is a verbal. Global description of a flaw in your partner’s personality. Statements that begin with “You always” or “You never” are good examples. A criticism will have direct implications that there is something wrong with our partner’s character.”  Penner, p.41
 
“If there’s one similarity between happy and unhappy heterosexual marriages, it’s that the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and push to resolve it. Husbands are more likely to try to distance themselves from hard-to-face concerns. Again, there are physiological reasons for this gender gap. Men tend to experience flooding (feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed) much more easily because their bodies are more reactive to emotional stress than their wives’. So they are more inclined to avoid confrontation.
 
“But there can be dramatic differences in how a wife initiates touchy discussions with her husband. Remember Dara, who lit into her husband, Oliver, as soon as they began discussing housework? Within a minute she was being sarcastic and batting down every suggestion he made: “Do you think you really work well with lists?” and “I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around and disappearing into the bathroom.”  Gottman, p. 162
 
 
Soften Your Start-up
“The antidote to criticizing is to use a gentle start-up and to ask the other to change their behavior in some specific way, rather than to implicate their personality. For example, “Please take out the garbage tonight” instead of “you’re too lazy to take out the garbage.”  Penner, p.41
 
Scriptures: Proverbs 15:4; Romans 15:7; Galatians 5:14-15; Ephesians 4:29; Ephesians 4:31-32; James 4:1-2
 
“Compare Dara's harsh approach with that of Justine, who is happily married to Michael but has the same problem: He doesn't do his share around the house. What bugs her the most is that she always ends up folding the laundry, which she hates. Here's what she says in the Love Lab, when she broaches the topic with Michael.
 
Justine: Okay (deep breath). Housework.
Michael: Yeah. Well, I mean I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff. (Defensive)
Justine: Hm-hmm. You do. ( Repair attempt)
Michael: Hm-hmm. (He yawns, relaxed; Justine's repair attempt was successful.)
Justine: I think it's just, like, sometimes when things are just kind of left, or the laundry just piles up ... (Softened startup)
Michael: Yeah. I haven't even been thinking about laundry (laughs). I mean, I just haven't been thinking about it at all. (Not defensive)
Justine (laughs): That's kind of cute. Who do you think's doing it? You keep having clothes to wear. Michael: Yeah, I guess.
Justine: And maybe that's okay. But it just gets to me after a while.
Michael: Well, it hasn't even crossed my mind that, like, we have to do the laundry. (Chuckles.) Justine: Actually, Tim's been folding them. (A neighbor in their apartment complex-the washer and dryer are in a communal laundry room.) I left a load in, and then when I passed by, the sheets were folded.
Michael: Maybe we should put our hamper in his room?
Justine (laughs): (Shared humor deescalates tension and lowers heart rates.)
Michael: So, okay, like maybe every other day or something when I first get back home from work… Justine: Yeah, you could fold what makes sense, especially towels and underwear and the sheets… Michael: Yeah, I'll just look in the basket. (He is accepting her influence.)
Justine: Okay
 
“Perhaps the most important quality of this exchange is the virtual absence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse--criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling- those hallmarks of marriage-harming conflict. The reason for their absence is that Justine's startup is soft. In contrast, a harsh startup usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn, increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage wither. Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.
 
“That's why it's so important that when Michael admits that he doesn't even think about the laundry, Justine doesn't get critical or contemptuous. She laughs and says she thinks that's "cute." Because Justine is gentle with Michael, their conversation actually produces a result: They come up with a plan to resolve the conflict. Since they are able to do this, their discussion leaves them feeling positive about themselves and their marriage. That feeling is "money in the bank" for any couple--it inspires an optimistic attitude that will help them resolve the next conflict that comes along.”  Gottman, p.162-164
 
 
Exercises
Starting on page 165, complete the following exercises to practice soft start-ups.
                Harsh Start-up Questionnaire
                Exercise I: Softened Start-Up