Managing Conflict: Level Five - Solve Your Solvable Problems, Part 2

​In this subchapter, we’ll continue looking at handling negativity in marital conflicts, which also includes being defensive, contempt, and stonewalling. You may want to review Part 1.

​Negativity in Marital Conflicts
Couples typically employ four negative communications in marital conflicts that can lead to distancing and disconnection. The four types of negative communications are criticism, defensiveness, contemptuousness and stonewalling, which Gottman calls the Four Horse of the Apocalypse.

​Criticism Review
In the last subchapter, we introduced Criticism as the first negative communication employed during conflicts in marriage and saw that soft start-ups were the antidote to criticism. These soft start-ups included – see Gottman, pp.167-168.
 
1.Complain but don’t blame.
2.Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”.
3.Describe what is happening. Don’t evaluate or judge.
4.Be clear about your positive need.
5.Be polite and appreciative.
6.Don’t store things up.
 
 
Defensiveness
“Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself, to defend one’s innocence, to ward off a perceived attack. This is done by counterattacking or by whining (innocent victim stance).”  Penner,43
 
“It's no surprise, considering how nasty her husband is being, that Cynthia defends herself. She points out that she doesn't get her car washed as often as he thinks. She explains that it's more difficult physically for her to wash her car herself than it is for him to wash his truck. Although it's understandable that Cynthia would defend herself, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You're saying, in effect, "The problem isn't me, it's you. One common form of defensiveness is the "innocent victim"" stance, which often entails whining and sends the message: Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There's no pleasing you."

Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly. When Cynthia tells Peter how hard it is for her to wash her car, he doesn't say, "Oh, now I understand." He ignores her excuse--he doesn't even acknowledge what she's said. He climbs farther up his high moral ground, telling her how well he takes care of his vehicle and implying that she's spoiled for not doing the same. Cynthia can't win—and neither can their marriage.”   Gottman, p.36-37
 
“The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the problem. One does not have to admit to something they didn’t do but usually there is some truth to what the other is saying and acknowledging this softens the tone and moves the discussion on productively.”  Penner, p. 43
 
Scriptures: Genesis 3:12,13; Proverbs 12:16; Proverbs 18:13; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 25:12; Matthew 7:3-5
 
 
Contempt
“To be contemptuous is to put someone down, to put oneself on a higher plane – for instance, taking a higher moral ground. Contempt is any critical statement you make when you feel superior to your partner. It’s a position of “I’m better/smarter/kinder/etc. than you are.” It may be accompanied by belligerence. There is a mindset which underlies contempt it is a negative habit of mind where the person scans the environment for people’s mistakes rather than what is positive or what to appreciate. Contempt is the single best predictor of divorce.”  Penner, p. 45
 
“Contempt arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect. Its arrival is heralded  when Dara literally sneers at her husband’s suggestion that they keep a list of his chores on the refrigerator to help him remember. She says, "Do you think you work really well with lists?" Next, Oliver tells her that he needs fifteen minutes to relax when he gets home before starting to do chores." So if I leave you alone for fifteen minutes, then you think you'll be motivated to jump up and do something?" she asks him, still sneering.
 "Maybe. We haven't tried it, have we?" Oliver asks.”
 
“Dara has an opportunity here to soften up, but instead she comes back with sarcasm. "I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around or disappearing into the bathroom," she says. And then she adds challengingly "So you think that's the cure- all, to give you fifteen minutes?"
 
“Dara’s sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.”  Gottman, p.34
 
“The antidote to contempt is to describe you own feelings and needs, not to describe your partner. It is also is to create a culture of appreciation in the relationship because when one feels appreciated, respected and that their partner is thankful for them they rarely express contempt.”  Penner, p. 45
 
Scriptures: Proverbs 25:24; Proverbs 26:21; Matthew 5:22; Matthew 7:1-5; Luke 6:37; Romans 14:3; Romans 14:10; 1 Corinthians 13:5 (Regarding love)
 
 
Stonewalling
“To stonewall means that the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room physically. Basically, this means not giving cues that he or she is listening, for instance by looking to the side, not maintaining eye contact, or crossing one’s arms. To the speaker, the one who is stonewalling appears to be like a stone wall, seeming to not be listening or paying attention.”  Penner, p.47
 
“In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This heralds the arrival of the fourth horseman - stonewalling.”
 
“Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and responds by turning on the TV. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stone waller. Although both husbands and wives can be stone wallers, this behavior is far more common among men, for reasons we'll see later.”  Gottman, p.38
 
“The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing.” “… the ability to self-soothe is critical for relationships to be able to survive. Thus the antidote to stonewalling is to take a time out break to self-soothe. When in heated conflict and one is flooded (feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed), the only thing productive is to take a self-soothing time out break for at least 20 minutes, longer if needed.”  Penner, p. 47,48
 
Scriptures: Genesis 4:6-7; Exodus 32:9-14; Exodus 33:1-3; Proverbs 25:28; James 1:19
 
 
Next Subchapter
We’ll look at  chapter nine – the steps for solving problems.