Managing Conflict: Level Four - Accept Your Partner's Influence, Part 1

In this subchapter, we’ll review aspects of conflict. Marital conflict is centered around two kinds of problems – perpetual and solvable.

Manage Conflict ​
The term “manage” conflict is used rather than “resolve” conflict because relationship conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. For example, it helps us learn how to better love and understand our partners, deal with change, and renew courtship over time. We try to manage but not eliminate conflict.”  Penner, p. 31 

Scriptures: Proverbs 20:3; Romans 12:18 

“Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device. Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you'll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you're having.” Gottman, p.137 ​

Two Kinds of Marital Conflict 
“Gottman’s research found that there are two kinds of problems that every couple experience, perpetual and solvable problems”  Penner, p. 32 
 

Perpetual Problems 
“In longitudinal studies where couples were followed over many years, the participants were invited back to the lab every few years to see how they were doing. One of their tasks was to talk about the current problems in their marriage. The researchers then compared the content of these discussions with the content of their discussion the last time they were in the lab. They found that sixty-nine percent of the problems that couples discussed were the same as the last time they were in a few years before. In other words, the majority of problems that couples experience are perpetual problems that they are never going to solve.” Penner, p. 32 
 
Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 12:9; Ephesians 4:2 
 
“Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category - 69 percent, to be exact. Time and again when we do four-year follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about precisely the same issue. It's as if four minutes have passed rather than four years. They've donned new clothes, altered their hairstyles, and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, but they're still having the same argument. Here are some typical perpetual problems that the happy couples in our studies are living with:  
 
1. Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he's not ready yet- -and doesn't know if he ever will be.  
2. Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana.  
3. Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry.  
4. Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith.  
5. Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach: Their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.  
 
Despite their differences these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming. They've learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” Gottman, p.138 
 

Gridlock 
If couples cannot establish a dialogue to manage perpetual problems, the conflict may become gridlocked which eventually leads to emotional disengagement. 
 
“Gottman’s research revealed that there is a very good reason most people cannot yield on gridlocked problems. Behind each person’s position lies something deep and meaningful – something core to that person’s belief system or personality. It might be a strongly held value or an unfulfilled dream embedded within the gridlocked issue. But when a relationship is safe enough and one partner then clearly communicates that he or she wants to understand what is underlying their partner’s position, their partner can open up and talk about their feelings, dreams, and needs. There is an opportunity for couples to deepen their relationship while addressing their deepest conflict areas. Within the worst relational conflicts lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy.”  Penner, p. 33 
 
“If you're not sure whether you've gridlocked over a perpetual problem or are coping well with it, this checklist will help. The characteristics of a gridlocked problem are: 
 
 • The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner. 
 • You keep talking about it but make no headway. 
 • You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge. 
 • When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.  
 • Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.  
• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations. 
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing to compromise.  
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.  
 
If this sounds painfully familiar, take comfort in knowing that there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you are. As you'll see when we get to Principle 6, all you need is motivation and a willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock.”  Gottman, p.141 
 
 
Solvable Problems 
“Solvable problems are typically situational in nature and once resolved allow the couple to move on and not have to address the same issue in the future. They comprise the other thirty-one percent of the problems that couples face.”  Penner, p. 34 
 
Scriptures: Isaiah 1:18 
 
“These problems may sound relatively simple compared with unsolvable ones, but they can cause a great deal of pain. Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it get resolved. If a couple doesn’t possess effective techniques for conquering a solvable problem, it can cause excessive tension. My fifth principle for making marriage work tackles solvable problems head-on." Gottman, p. 142 
 
 
Telling the Difference 
“If you and your spouse are entrenched in conflict, it may not be obvious which of the two types of disagreement you’re having – gridlocked or solvable. One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.”  Gottman, p.142 
 
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Exercises 
Starting on page 143, complete the following exercises to identify whether conflicts are perpetual or solvable. 
            Scenarios of Marital Conflict 
            Questionnaire: Assessing Your Marital Conflicts