Managing Conflict: Level Four - Accept Your Partner's Influence, Part 2

​In this subchapter, we’ll consider the first solution to managing conflict in marriage by accepting your partner’s influence. Some couples may be applying these principles that make marriage work but when you can identify intelligently about what is really happening, it adds power to your relationship and it moves your relationship toward perfection.

​Manage Conflict ​
The term “manage” conflict is used rather than “resolve” conflict because relationship conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. For example, it helps us learn how to better love and understand our partners, deal with change, and renew courtship over time. We try to manage but not eliminate conflict.”  Penner, p. 31 

Scriptures: Proverbs 20:3; Romans 12:18 

“Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring if to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device. Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you'll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you're having.” Gottman, p.137 ​

Level Four: Accept Your Partner’s Influence
“Accepting influence is seeking to find a way to accommodate the other’s needs, desires, and wants. It is thinking to oneself, “What part or your request can I honor?” It is trying to find a way to say yes. Accepting influence simply means trying to grant at least part of what your partner is asking for and showing a willingness to move toward compromise. Research has shown that people who do not accept influence create bad will and wind up being powerless because their partner finds them unworkable.”
 
“Accepting Influence is critical for effective problem solving and conflict management.”  Penner, p.35
 
Scriptures: Genesis 26:15-22,15; Deut. 24:5; Proverbs 1:23-26; Proverbs 4:13; Proverbs 12:1; Proverbs 13:10; Proverbs 13:13; Proverbs 15:31-32; Proverbs 27:6,9,17; 1 Corinthians 11:11; Ephesians 5: 21,28-30; James 3:17
 
“Jeremy was considering buying a used Honda coupe. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only bought it for a month and was offering a large discount because he was being transferred overseas. Jeremy liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of the-art sound system. But before doing a deal, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. "Why?" said Phil. "It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty."
 
"True," said Jeremy, "but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first."
Phil gave Jeremy a withering look. "You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?" he asked.
"Sure," said Jeremy. "Don't you?"
"Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced," said Phil.
"Well," Jeremy chuckled. "Maybe that's why"
 
“Jeremy had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the suspension system needed a costly repair, so he never bought Phil's car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jeremy has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat.” 
 
“Our study didn’t really find that men should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. But we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.”  Gottman, pp.115-116
 
 
Exercises
Starting on page 128, complete the following exercises to accept your partner’s influence.
                Accepting Influence Questionnaire
                Exercise I: Yield to Win
                Exercise II: The Gottman Island Survival Game