Overcome Gridlock: Level Six - Make Life Dreams Come True

​In this subchapter, we’ll consider how to handle seemingly irreconcilable differences between couples. Many of these differences are rooted in a partner’s hopes, aspirations, and personal wishes. Another instant could also be a partner’s unreasonable need for control.

Level Six: Overcome Gridlock – Making Life Dreams Come True
“When couples get stuck trying to discuss their issue, it typically means there is a hidden meaning beneath their positions, a deeply symbolic meaning. There may be a dream hidden in their position which may include their hopes, aspirations, and personal wishes.”

​Gridlock
“When couples get stuck trying to discuss their issue, it typically means there is a hidden meaning beneath their positions, a deeply symbolic meaning. There may be a dream hidden in their position which may include their hopes, aspirations, and personal wishes. These need to surface if the gridlock on the problem is ever to loosen. Gridlock is the result of dreams in opposition and fears about accepting influence on the problem.
“Each person’s position has a very deep meaning for them inside. One cannot yield easily unless they feel understood and honored.
“The relationship has to become safe enough so that each partner’s dreams, values, or histories (which have often gone “underground” or hidden within each person’s entrenched position) can come out, be heard and accepted as valid.
“Forget about trying to compromise or solve the problem at this point. Instead, focus on truly understanding at a very deep level, each of your points of view on this problem. As good listeners, we need to explore what our partner’s dream is really about; why it carries so much meaning for them; why it is so core to their sense of self.”  Penner, p.56
 
Scriptures: Genesis 30:1,2; Genesis 42-46; Exodus 32-34; Romans 12:10
 
“You want to have children, he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her, you’re an atheist. He’s a homebody, you’re ready for a party every night. All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock. When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to my mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.
“While couples can gridlock over momentous issues, like deciding if they will pass a particular religion on to their children, it’s not common to reach loggerheads over differences that would seem ridiculously trivial to anyone outside of the relationship, like punctuality or even which way to fold napkins. Usually, these issues reflect basic differences in personality or lifestyle preferences. Whether they seem important or petty to outsiders, all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if:
 
1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.”
 
“As with most difficulties, the best approach to coping with gridlock is to avoid it in the first place. Fortunately, the more adept you become at following the other six principles, the less likely you are to gridlock over intractable differences. As you come to know and trust each other, you will find that disagreements that once would have overwhelmed you are more easily handled, especially if you make use of the exercises in this chapter concerning hidden dreams. A significant key to preventing gridlock is also to be on the lookout for those small moments where you “miss” each other’s needs. If either of you is feeling a lot of hurt over seemingly minor slights, you may want to spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration (chapter 5) and practice turning toward each other (chapter 6).  Not acknowledging and talking out these small moments can make a relationship more vulnerable to gridlock over significant issues.”
“When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as they would a pesky allergy or bad back. They know the difficulty won’t ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together. Of course, when you’re in the midst of gridlock, it may seem impossible that you could manage the conflict as readily as, say, a trick knee. But you can do it. Remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “lose.”  The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.”  Gottman, pp. 236,237
 
 
Make Life Dreams Come True
“A crucial aspect of any relationship is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, dreams, values, convictions, and aspirations. The goal is for partners to help each other attain their life dreams.”  Penner, p. 65
 
Scriptures: Psalms 27:13-14; Proverbs 134:12; Romans 12:10
 
“To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for you life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life. Dreams can operate at many different levels. Some are very practical (such as  wanting to achieve a certain amount of savings, but others are profound. Often these deeper dreams remain hidden while the more mundane ones ride piggyback and are easier to see. For example, underneath the dream to make lots of money may be a need for security.
“Often our deepest dreams are rooted in childhood. You may long to re-create some of your warmest memories of family life from your youth--such as having dinner together every night without interruptions from the TV or text messages. Or, you may feel the psychological need to distance yourself from painful childhood memories by not duplicating the same activities. For example, you may resist having family dinners if the evening meal in your childhood home was often the scene of hostility between your parents that left you with indigestion.
“Here is a list of some common "deep" dreams expressed by couples I've worked with.
 
1. A sense of freedom
2. Feeling at peace
3. Exploring who I am
4. Adventure
5.A spiritual journey
6. Justice
7 Honor
8. Consistency with my past values
9. Healing
10. Having a sense of power
11. Dealing with growing older
12. Exploring a creative side of myself
13. Getting over past hurts
14. Asking God for forgiveness
15. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
16. Having a sense of order
17. Being productive
18. Getting my priorities in order
19. Exploring the physical side of myself
20. Being able to compete and win
21. Traveling
22. Atoning
23. Ending a chapter of my life--saying good-bye to something
 
“All of these dreams are beautiful. None of them are inherently bad for a marriage. But a dream can cause problems if your spouse doesn’t respect it or you keep it hidden. Under these circumstancs, either you may have open battles over the issue, or it may go underground and only be expressed symbolically. In the latter case, the couple may think they are at loggerheads over whether to go out to dinner every Sunday night, but the bottom-line issue has to do with something much deeper than a restaurant meal. Sunday night holds a special place in both of their hearts, stemming from their childhoods. Her dream is to eat out because her family did that every Sunday, a treat that made her feel special. But for her husband, a restaurant meal was always much less of a treat than having his very busy mother cook for the family--something she only did on Sundays. So the question of a restaurant versus a home meal is really symbolic of what makes each of them feel loved.”  Gottman, pp. 238,239
 

Exercises
Starting on page 244, complete the following exercises to identify “dreams” with your partner.
                Exercise I: Detecting Dreams
                Working on a Gridlocked Marital Issue
 
 
Need for Control
Another area that should be considered is a partner’s unreasonable need for control. These issues might be associated with some sort of trauma that we discussed in Knowing Thyself, Part 3 on functional and dysfunctional thinking and behavior.