The Sound Relationship House

​In this subchapter, we’ll review Dr. Gottman’s overall model for a sound marriage, which he calls the Sound Relationship House. The Sound Relationship House, like the seven principles, the SRH model contains seven levels, or skill areas, needed for couples to experience satisfying relationships.

​The Sound Relationship House Model
“As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their Sound Relationship House. The Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors and levels. These principles are intricately connected to trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.” p. 24   

Trust and Commitment
“The importance of trust and commitment to success in love seems so self-evident that you might assume that studying these qualities scientifically would be a little added benefit. But it turns out that is not the case. I’ve been able to dissect what it really means to commit to a partner and relationship.” p. 24   For more, see What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, Gottman
 
 
Trust Defined
To trust someone is to have a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone.
Synonyms include: confidence, belief, faith, certainty, assurance, conviction.
 
“Trust is about more then whether one’s partner is honest and faithful. It is also about answers to questions, “Will you be there for me?” “Am I more important to you than ________ (your mother, brother, sister, friend, pet, job, sport, hobby, etc.).” When one believes that the answer to these questions is yes, they feel secure, loved and cherished. This includes having the belief that one’s needs, wants, interests and desires are as important to their partner as their partner’s needs, wants, interests, and desires are to them. It is having confidence that the other thinks and acts to maximize their best interests and benefits, not just their own.” Penner, Biblical Reference Guide, p. 69
 
Scriptures: Lev. 19:18; Proverbs 8:6; Proverbs 11:1; Proverbs 12:2; Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:3
 
 
​Commitment Defined
Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
Synonyms include: dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, bond
 
“Commitment is built by the process of cherishing one’s partner and nurturing gratitude for what one has in their relationship. This leads to investing in the relationship – for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse we both will work to improve it). The opposite of cherishing is building resentment for what is missing, turning away and comparing one’s partner negatively with real or imagined other relationship possibilities, which can lead to betrayal.”  Penner, Biblical Reference Guide, p. 70
 
Scriptures: Numbers 30:2; Deu. 23:23; Eccl. 5:4,5: Matthew 5:33; 1 Cor. 7:11
 
 
The Positive and Negative Examples
Dr. Gottman continues by citing two examples of couples that he has worked with to illustrate a positive example of trust and commitment and a negative one.

Positive “Dennis and Jackie”

Negative “Tina and Matt”

They assume the best about each other and their relationship. They are able to acknowledge each other’s perspective, at least to some extent, even when they strongly disagree. They feel distressed when the other seems unhappy or hurt. Their happiness is contingent on their partners feelings.       5. They are attuned to each other’s            emotions, share an abiding empathy, ​          and have a high degree of trust.

They are struggling with emotional connection and commitment. They demonstrate a lack of mutual understanding or faith in their relationship. Tina’s moods are not at all linked to her husband’s emotions. Tina rates her feelings as “neutral” when Matt expresses regret over not getting a promotion at work. Her husband’s reactions display a similar disconnection to her feelings. Their marriage is marked by negative sentiment override, which will interfere with their ability to build a mutually supportive relationship. They assume the worst about each other to such a pervasive degree that they become trapped in an absorbing state of negativity that I call the Roach Motel for Lovers. Their relationship is marked by endless conflict and bad feelings. They come to believe that their partner must fundamentally be selfish. Each becomes increasingly convinced that the other isn’t on their side and doesn’t have their back. In the presence of this chronic distrust, the sense of safety vanishes. Without intervention they are likely headed for betrayal. 13.  Betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship.

Biblical Marriage
Dr. Gottman closes this section –
 
“Most couples are neither as stuck as Matt and Tina or as masterful at living together as Dennis and Jackie. The majority of long-term relationships fall somewhere between these two extremes.” p. 26
 
When we look at biblical marriage, our goal is clear, we need to have a high degree of connection, commitment, and trust. Indeed, perfection in marriage includes when God has commanded us to be one in marriage by being connected, committed, and trusting.
 
Scriptures: Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31
 
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”